Quod Me Nutrit, Me Destruit

It's been a while...

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 22:00:50 GMT

So...it's been a while. I haven't had the motivation to do anything the last couple of months. Work has been stressful home has been stressful, family, friends, and most importantly ME. I don't have anyone to talk to and my fiancee works all the time and I work all the time so when I am home, he isn't so it's just me and the cats and I'm slowly going C R A Z Y. I've been in a really bad place (mentally) for a while now and all it's done is make me ~~eat~~ and be ~~lazy~~. I bought that stupid Wii Fit in hopes that it would motivate me but I've hardly used it. I want to go jogging but it's still too damn hot. By the time I get home from work I'm too exhausted to do even the simplest exercise. All these excuses to keep me ~~fat~~. I gained weight. I went from 148 lbs. to 163 lbs. in the period of a year. I HATE MY LIFE.

I called my boss' boss one day because my co-workers and I were fed up with him not doing anything. That went horrifyingly wrong. He turned it around so that it looked like we were acting like spoiled children. He lied to me about so many things just to cover his own ass. But he got what he wanted. We're all too scared to try and rise against him again.

My toilet broke. We contacted the landlords but since they don't work on weekends we got stranded with no toilet for 3 DAYS. They kept insisting that if they snaked it enough that would fix it. Eventually they had to remove the whole thing. Turns out that there was a bush growing in the piping. Yes, you read that right. The roots from the bush growing just outside our apartment had breached the pipes to our toilet so it wouldn't flush.

A couple weeks ago a fire had started down the hill from my apartment. I had just gotten out of the shower when someone started pounding on the front door. My fiancee answered it and I heard a hurried conversation outside and then my fiancee come back inside. I put on a bathrobe and asked him what that was all about. He said that there a was a fire across the street and that we might get a call from 911 to evacuate. We didn't know what to do. We both had to work but we couldn't leave the cats behind in case we did need to evacuate. So I called my work to tell them I'd be a little late and not 2 minutes after I hung up the house phone rang. It was 911 with our Immediate emergency evacuation call. So we packed up the cats, packed up a few irreplaceable items, stopped by my work to tell them I had to go stay with my mom (who lives an hour away) because we didn't have anywhere else to go. My boss was actually pretty cool about it. I had some personal time so I still got paid. I got to go home that night. They got the fire under control within a couple hours.

This all happened within the period of about a month and a half. I'm sure there were other things but I really don't want to try and dredge it up. So...now that my life has taken on at least the semblance of peace I would like to get back into the swing of things.

Weird

Mon, 11 Feb 2008 21:13:50 GMT

Still really sick, and as it turns out I have the FLU not a cold. Was up all night with the sickness. I also lost my voice last night and still haven't gotten it back. Was sent home from work because well, you can't sell anything if you can't talk. It's ok though, I'm really tired anyway.
So, I had this weird dream the other night. My fiancee and I we're standing together in front of a mirror and I had my back against his chest. We we're standing to the side so I had a side view of us and he was lifting my shirt part way up and trying to tell me something. When I looked in the mirror I saw that I was REALLY skinny, like you could see my hip bones protruding and all of my ribs were showing. I stopped fighting with him to get my shirt back and just stared. I was really confused, thinking: "But...that's not me. I'm fat...not skinny." When I woke up I was really depressed about it.

Yuck

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 06:10:20 GMT

Been sick all day. Yesterday too. I finally get two days off in a row and I have to spend them both in bed. On the plus side, my throat was so sore I couldn't really eat anything. I drank MASSIVE amounts of tea, though. Mmmm. I love tea. Down to 146 from 150. Go me. I'd probably be a little bit more ecstatic about it but I'm a little delirious from my cold medicine...and I have to work tomorrow. Ick.

Yay!

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 01:48:36 GMT

Woot! All I had today was a small glass of V8. And I'm not even hungry! I was gonna go for a jog today but it's raining. Again. Like it ever does anything else here. It's my day off and all I've done today is lie in bed playing my DS. Oh, I did laundry also. But other than that it's been a lazy day and you know what? It's actually really nice. I haven't been able to just relax in a long while. Feels good.

tired

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 06:04:46 GMT

I've only eaten a peice of bread in the last couple of days. I'm not hungry but I'm really tired. I suppose I should try to eat something tomorrow to give me an energy boost because I was dragging at work all day. I would write more but I'm so tired I can't even think.

big sigh

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 06:20:46 GMT

No progress weight loss-wise but I only ate a strawberry yogurt and then went to ~~Red Robin~~ for dinner with friends. I only ate half and it was a BBQ chicken wrap with a few fries so it couldn't have been that much. Today I had 2 slices of ~~pepperoni pizza~~ and like 4 dove ~~chocolates~~. So...better than I have been. MUCH better. I've somewhat lost all interest in food lately. That last sentence didn't make any sense but, whatever. I'm wearing my rings again to help remind me of all the weight I need to loose. They squeeze my fingers. Not so much that it hurts but you can see my fingers are fat and well...they're my hands...I have to look at them. Plus, my best friends wedding is in June and there is NO WAY IN HELL that I'm gonna be the fat chick. I would also really like to loose 10 lbs. by my birthday. I have a little piece of paper with that goal written on it that I folded into a little square and carry around with me in my pocket. I put my hands in my pockets alot so I'll always touch it and again be reminded that I MUST loose weight or die. I know that that's what I did last month and still didn't reach my goal but I feel in control now. I can resist my urges to eat. My fiancee and I are talking about having our own wedding in October so the weight loss MUST START NOW! No more dicking around.

Oh how I wish:

sigh

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 04:57:08 GMT

I am so so sooooooo tired of loosing the same 3 lbs. over and over and over again. It's driving me nuts! I was doing so well for about a week and then WHAM! Thanksgiving. Totally fucking ruined everything. Now I can't stop eating again. Fuck fuck FUCK! I decided today though:

~ No more fast food
~ No more soda
~ No more candies

Really...just no more food in general. Small snack-like meals throughout the day. Healthy ones too. Fruits and veggies, that sort of thing. I MUST loose 10 lbs. by christmas. I even wrote it on this piece of paper that I folded up real small and keep in my pocket. To remind me every time I even think about stuffing my fat face. I won't do it anymore. NO MORE! I will not be this fat cow anymore! Like I tell myself everyday: Do you want to fit in that wedding dress, or do you want to eat and get even fatter? DO NOT PUT FOOD IN YOUR MOUTH!!! I must do this. I must loose those 10 lbs. by christmas and another 10 lbs. by my birthday (which is about a month later). I should have lost approximately 25-30 lbs. by Valentines Day. *sigh* It's a start. Now I just need to stick to it. I hate how all my posts are about my failures. I promise, my next post will be about my accomplishment.

Starting Weight: 150 LBS. :[

I'm not ok...

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 07:04:55 GMT

I cut myself about a week ago. I would have posted about it when it happened and almost did but I was so damaged in the head that all I wanted to do was lie in bed and stare at the wall. I haven't cut in almost 3 years. I thought I was doing better. I even promised that I would never do it again. But then...I did slip back into my ED which is why I'm here in the first place. I didn't want to post until I had gotten back into the swing of things. I gained back like 5 lbs. but I'm losing and restricting and exercising again so it's getting better. I had about 630 cals today which isn't too bad. 130 cals more than I wanted but since I'm starting over I suppose a little slip up like that isn't too bad, plus I burned off 220 cals doing my pilates so...yeah. *sigh* I want so very much to be thin. I've become absolutely obsessed with it. Every time I see a thin pretty girl, be it on T.V. or downtown or even my neighbor coming home I get this huge surge of jealousy and envy and I just want to stop what I'm doing and go exercise until I drop. I also have this horrible desire to start purging but vomit just totally grosses me out so I don't do it. I need to lose this weight.

A Thought...

Thu, 23 Aug 2007 04:47:30 GMT

After looking around at things I've come to realize that most people who "recover" (myself included and yes, I have relapsed which alot of "recoverds" also do) gain a ton of weight. So, I thought to myself, "If that is the price of being well, then I'd rather stay sick."

Doing Better

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 07:55:15 GMT

I didn't really want to post until I lost the 2 lbs. I gained back. But I'm back down to 144 lbs. and only eating one small low cal meal a day. I hate eating, I always feel sick afterward. I really don't have anything else to say...I'm tired. Long day at work.

Food art thine enemy!

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 06:18:24 GMT

I was doing so well! I'd been feeling nauseous all day so I had my fiance bring me fucking KFC. I suppose I didn't do too bad since I only ate half the mashed potatoes and only 1 out of 3 tacos. I'll just have to work out extra tomorrow to make up for this. One little slip up isn't too bad as long as it didn't turn into a full out binge, which it didn't so I'm not that worried. But still! Damn.

Back Again...

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 03:54:38 GMT

I had thought I'd given up. Left Anorexia behind. But now, 2 years later it reenters my life. I've lost 13 lbs. in the last month and I'm ecstatic. And so, it begins again. I've been restricting to only 200-500 Cals a day, no soda, no sweets. Lots and lots of exercise. I can't afford a gym membership so I have to do random exercises at home. At least I'm up to 300 crunches a day. Let's see...I did pretty good today. Had a protein shake which is roughly 180 cals. Ate a couple cookies (damn him for bringing those home!) which should be about 200 cals (so little can add up) and my stomach is a little upset so I'm munching on some baby carrots. Did about 40 mins of exercise. Would have done more but I stayed up all night so I'm really tired.

Anyway, I'm here lookin for some friends so if your interested drop me a line.